Tamanna : The girl I know

She’s confused.

She interrogates… “Life is full of colors. Where there are shades of red, yellow and orange, there also exist shades of blue, black and brown. Sometimes, a loaf of bread is all I need and sometimes the very same loaf seems demandingly insufficient. At some places when I walk alone, I look for a crowd… noise… to make me realize that am not lonely and that very same place, many a times, can make me crave for space. Phew! What, when, where… I never know. Am I unpredictable???”

I preferred not to comment as I knew she could argue and win either of the two sides “Yes” or “No”. She further questions… “What is the point? Tell me… What am I running after? There is not even a single minute which is not planned… every action of the day is queued up since the very moment I know I’m awake and that too within a fixed time slot. Yes, definitely they change as I progress and encounter innumerous substantial (and also un-substantial) events of the day but then… what the hell??? What am I doing? Living a routine or living a life? I hardly remember the last time when I had my breakfast in a plate before leaving for office and that too when I reach office like minimum of 45 minutes before the scheduled time!”

Hmm … I chose to be mum because I felt she must speak herself out before it’s too late. “When I think of eating Chinese, I figure out that the Indian cuisine is more tempting than anything else. If I change my mind then, I regret. If I don’t, I regret. That’s not supposed to happen right? When I think of my future plans, I feel that this is the right time to be settled, have a family and at the very same time when I think of marriage, I am like ‘What the hell! I’m just 22… I can’t just give up here… you know there is so much to do in life and marriage can ruin it all. What if my husband cheats on me after 5 years even after giving as much as I can? What if things don’t turn up as expected? I would lose it all… so, why to take a risk/’ I don’t know.”

I chuckled… obviously; in my mind… poor thing… it seemed things were buried deep inside her since long. “‘He loves me… he loves me not’ If he does… Is he right one to move ahead with? Come on my life can’t just end here! It’s just the beginning. He just can’t be that ‘The One’. He can’t… If he doesn’t… why why why he doesn’t love me? Why am I the only one to be deprived of it? Why can’t someone love me, care for me, look for me??? Why am I the only one not to experience it? Am I so worthless? Phew!”

Aww … Kiddo! She goes on… “Sometimes I feel boys have such a good life: no tension, no jhanjhat, mast – bindaas, go where ever they want, eat whatever they want, no time problems, no rok tok and so on. But then, ‘Do I really want to be free of all the social boundaries that keep me shackled? Do I really hate being a girl? Do I really enjoy the freedom whenever I have been given the liberty to do so?’ I don’t know.”

And she finally concluded beautifully while marching towards the door… “The tick-tocks of life are just making me crazy!”

I was about to answer/console her when she turns back, marches back towards me and says… “Oh no no… Please… I am neither one of those who are not satisfied with what they get nor am I one of those for whom, what they don’t have, is good. It’s just that I don’t know what I want in reality, at the very first place. And always, before I reach on a well thought, balanced conclusion of what I truly want the decisions are already taken… either by someone else or by the almighty itself. And the irony is… I hate it. I’m simply tired of judging things, balancing, weighing what is right and what is not and letting others take decisions for me… I’m exhausted thinking; analyzing and observing things that would make me know me… I’m all worn out with these futile attempts of getting acquainted with myself. I just want my mind to shut up for a while and leave me in peace. I don’t know how to. I don’t know when to. I don’t know what to. I really really really don’t know who am I but I do think it is better to leave it that ways!”

I nodded. She walked out of the room. She commenced, judged and concluded =). All she wanted was someone to hear her out and re-assure that she is correct. World, is it that difficult?