What's more difficult? To be a Bearer or to be an Observer?

“It’s matter of just an hour, Jai… Go… And look, you won’t be far away in case of emergency. Work comes first.” He looked at me… searching for re-assurance on every single cell of my face. He was very nervous. Has to be, it was our first time. First child. Not that I was all okay with it, but, some one had to be more practical than the other. He had a very important meeting to attend which got scheduled like 5 minutes ago where in Maa and Bhabhi were already out for household work leaving me solely under Jai’s surveillance. That’s what made him feel more responsible and guilty. He ultimately left.

It was a fine morning where sun was bright and happy and so was I. It was already 9 months and 4 days since I conceived and no sooner I would be it… ‘A Mother’. That felt good… at least it lessened the acute back pain which seemed to persist since forever. Days of morning sickness, severe mood swings and freaking cravings were almost over… what existed till date was pain… back pain, body pain… It was as if my soul ached. I also faced severe up and downs with Jai during these 9 months of my life. I knew he loved me and he cared about me more than he showed or spoke about but his in-numerous insecurities had made it difficult for a smooth sail. Things were now okay as he became more understanding with time… or probably that this whole pregnancy thing was on the verge of an end became his greatest assurance. No doubt, it made me come a lot closer to him; to know more about him and to appreciate much more of what he actually was during these 9 months more than what I could make out in past 2 years of our marriage. It’s true that guys never grow up and now, I could see that completely in Jai.

Thinking, analyzing, smiling… at a slow pace, I cleaned up the room. Not that it was dirty, but a bit here and a bit there made me feel really uncomfortable. I pulled out a fresh orange bed sheet from the drawer which bore Jasmine and Rose smell… thanks to the detergent used, earlier. The white flowers printed over it gave it a very elegant, pleasant look. I had almost made the bed when I realized that the water just broke. I sat on the corner of my bed in shock and panic. It took me some time to get hold of myself… I could feel the pain start… I gathered whatever I had left in me and picked up the phone kept by my bed side. I dialed the last call which I knew was Jai’s. “Hello… Are you Okay?” “…” Before I could answer that something came blasting right onto my nerves… on every nerve that I possessed in my body… and all I could do at that very moment was a scream full of pain… an unbearable life taking pain which changed its meaning in my dictionary the very same moment. The phone fell down and my hands were now questing for something to hold, to help me bear that atrocious ache. I lay there twitching, agonizing and waiting for a miracle to happen as I was incapable of doing anything… even thinking! After like a decade passed, I heard his voice and I knew I would survive!

“I will not let anything happen to you…” “I love you dear… be a little more patient and courageous…” “You can do this…” And his voice faded after a while… All my senses went numb… I could neither feel the touch nor could I see things… All I did was hear those faint helping voices and suffer the blessing. “It’s almost done…” “You are almost through…” “PUSH…” And IT ended. With a shrieking cry, the room filled with happiness and congratulations. My face was wet… tears or sweat… I had no clue… probably both. I didn’t dare to open my eyes… I was exhausted. No sooner, I fell asleep. It had been the most … day ever.

When I opened my eyes, it was completely dark. I was thirsty. Very thirsty. I stretched my hand to look for water. I knocked the flower vase which thankfully was made of steel, to the floor. A nurse came in smiling, as she switched on the lights. “So you are finally up…” She checked her clock. “Almost three hours!” “Where is my baby? Water.” She immediately poured me a glass of water. I drank three in a row. “Baby?” “In a minute…”

She took a good 10 minutes before she appeared again and she had my baby in her hand… carefully hold. The wait was long and my eyes were reluctant to blink till they had the pleasure to notice their presence. She came straight to me and carefully placed a little alive doll in my hand. I immediately folded my legs vertically for a support. I unwrapped the sapphire blanket that covered her. There she lay… tiny little hands and five extremely small fingers which, actually, did count five. Feet, toes, eyes, nose… everything seemed so unbelievably tiny yet so real. I swayed my finger right from her forehead across her cheek to her chin. She yawned and a tear fell from my eyes. ‘She is for real and all mine.’ Involuntarily I looked up to find him standing right at the door… ‘Tired, exhausted and messed up’… looking at me and crying… ‘Sorry … all OURS’

He wiped his tears off… ‘Male ego’… came closer and sat by my bed. He kept his hand on mine and kissed it. “Thank you!” faintly his lips moved… he was so drained out. I pulled his hand towards me. He got up and sat next to me with his left hand on my left shoulder and right still holding my right hand. I felt so secure and comfortable in his arms that I couldn’t stop tears from stating my feelings, conveying my thoughts and valuing his efforts, patience and tolerance. Words seemed to be galloped by silence… by my almost quite sobs. I know he understood it all for sure and that’s because he hugged me and kissed on my forehead and said “You took the hell out of me. Now that I know what losing you is to me, I can’t... or let’s just make it short… I love you.” Sinking my head shyly deep in his arms, I chuckled. "I love you too."

Whats more difficult? Acceptance or Denial? (Chapter 1)

“One, large, Romonov on the Rocks, please.” Akshat ordered before he realized I was sitting next to him. He smirked at me. “Still stuck on Juice? Grow up!” “Hey! Don’t say that man… I do drink but occasionally and today, I’m not in a mood.” “When did u come? For what are you here? Why didn’t you call me?” “I just landed a few hours ago.” “Sahi hai… ‘Hands on Meet’ of the company is usually amazing here… there is a dance performance which everyone is waiting for.” “I see…” “What is Mr. Jai Raheja, President of Raheja Group of companies, doing here? This place is too small for him to be at.” “Akshat, Bas kar. Kitna sunayega, yaar? Tere se hi milne yahan aaya hoon.” “Mujhe laga aap shaadi attend karne aaye ho.” “Mera matlab hai is party mein. I just wanted to meet you bhai and that’s why I didn’t call you. I wanted to surprise you. Lakin yahan tu mujhe surprise diye pada hai!” “Achcha baba. Baki sab se mil liya?” “Haan. Maa aane waali hai thodi deir mein. Actually she was the one who was invited. How come you are here? I am here on behalf of her” “Same here, Dude! Waise bhi, mere bina, yahan ki ladkiyan bore ho jati!” He winked. We laughed and hugged each other. I loved my brother… my family, for that matter. I know they are not here to just attend a wedding rather they are here to fix mine, while attending it, with some girl who was interviewed by my mother last week for the post of Vice-President in our company. She turned out to be a ‘Beauty with Brain’, a species, which apparently does not exist.

The show began. After a handful of performances, I lost interest. Wondering in my own world, socializing and enjoying the music, I was unaware of the proceedings on the stage. “This is the performance I was talking about.” Akshat whispered in my ear. I turned. “… and the song is ‘Lucky Boy’.” I just missed the performer’s name. “Wow!” The girl was indeed amazing. Besides her dance, her personality spoke… bold, determined and demanding. Her eyes, her expression could tell so much about her. She seemed to be an open book kept unleashed to be read. She captured my mind, my thoughts in a way that I didn’t even realize when the performance ended. Kept looking for her but she never came to attend the party. Mom had come. We hanged around a while, then left. While driving back that night, she did knock my thoughts but then I didn’t permit her to stay long. ‘I am never going to meet her.’

“Maa, I don’t want to get married. I’m just 25. Please Maa. It’s a big responsibility which I’m not prepared for.” “Let me correct you. You are turning 26 in a few days. Your marriage is planned next year, so, actually u will be married at 27. I think that’s a pretty good age to get married at.” “Maa…” “Shhh… Meet her once. I’m going back and will come back on the marriage day. That’s the day when you are meeting the girl. Prepare yourself.” “Maa…” “I’m done with oiling your hair. Now, go to sleep.” She massaged a bit and left. I was sitting there alone, between sofa and the center table. The room was lit with candles and the candle on the center table smelled good. It was raining heavily outside. I went near the French window and sat there. No moon. Staring at the darkness… ‘How can I marry someone without knowing her? Leaving that aside… How can I marry at the first place? The girl will expect so much from me… so much… saath uthna, saath baithna, saath khana… I will eventually become the world for her… then ladai jhagda and what not! It’s so difficult to manage oneself, how am I supposed to look after one more living-being? That too… a girl!’ The very thought disturbed me. I picked the keys of the car kept on the side table and walked out of the room.

I got completely drenched by the time I got into my car. It was cold and hazy. I turned on the music, at the max bearable volume. I did not want to think about anything and that’s the best way one can keep one’s mind’s mouth shut. After randomly driving for like 20 minutes, I halted at this beautiful place I discovered that night. It was a piece of land where the road ended, with wild grasses, grown in patches… here and there. Clouds weren’t crying anymore. It was quiet and peaceful. I just loved the smell of wet grass. I sat on the bonnet and enjoyed the weather, the grass and the silence. I also liked the cold breeze that blew now and then. ‘Will she able to accept me as I’m? Will she ever be able to understand what I feel for my family and feel the same for them? Sharing same room, same bed, same wardrobe… finding a kajal or a bindi or a piece of jewelry on my dressing table will be so freaking weird! I can’t do this. I will say NO. It’s not that difficult.’ After making up my mind, I headed towards my place. I didn’t ever give it a second thought. All I had to do was to meet her and then say… “I’m Sorry!”

“Bhabhi main akele nahi ja raha! Please.” “Bhabhi, in no condition I’m accompanying him. He is so terrified with girls these days! And Bhaiya you have actually started running away from girls. Shaadi hi toh kara rahe hai aapki, kaun sa sooli par chadha rahe hai!” “Chote, sambhal ke bol, haan? Tera bhi time aayega.” “Uff… You two… Keep quiet! I’m the eldest over here and I command you both to go for Mehandi! End of the story. Now, march!” “Bhabhi…” (Chorus) “No ifs and no buts!” “Fine…” (Chorus)

I was standing up there in the balcony with my brother (apparently) with the guests watching the function that was being held downstairs. The hall was crowded. Girls were giggling, teasing the groom and the whole room was filled with their laughter. “Mehandi bahut achchi lagi hai. Dulhan ki dost bahut gudi hai!” The overheard conversation of two elderly ladies made me look for the girl who was putting Henna to the bride. Although, her face was covered with her hair yet she seemed beautiful! Her dress was very pretty and so was her hair. After a while, somebody called from behind and I got into a conversation with him.

“Dheeme dheeme gaun… holle holle gaun...” I immediately looked down. She (the beautiful haired girl) along with a troop of girls started dancing. I was shocked to see… she was the same girl who performed the ‘Lucky Boy’, the other night. I rubbed my eyes and gazed carefully because she was looking so different in an Indian get up. I went closer towards the railing of the balcony because it was difficult to ensure the identity of her from a distance. There met our eyes for the first time. She was a different personality I was facing today with the same facet… innocent, shy and reserved! She has to be a clone. Unsurprisingly, she realized I was staring her and got conscious. She never looked up again during the whole performance. After applaud, she looked back to check on me but I like a dumb was still staring her. I was mesmerized by her charm; her penetrating eyes and yes indeed, her one look was enough to state how penetrating her look was. I wouldn’t call her the most beautiful girl I have ever seen but she was the most attractive and mysterious female I have ever known.

“Maa bhaiya ko dekhna tha. Ab toh wo bilkul aapki waali ladki se shaadi nahi karne waale.” “Maa, ye bahut bolne laga hai. Pit jaayega mere se.” “Ek toh chori upar se seena zori!” “Maa, main sach keh raha hoon. She is the same girl who had performed wo ‘Lucky Boy’ waala song!” “Maa, bhaiya pagal ho gaye hai! Inki shaadi ke bare mein sochna was a bad idea. Hum pitte pitte bache hai. Inki wajah se. Ghoor ghoor ke dekh rahe the usko.” “Akshat, I’m serious!” “Bhaiya, so I am! Do u really think ki who ‘Lucky Boy’ waali ladki ko mahandi wehandi lagane aayega? Oh please…” “Maa, main bhi toh yahi keh raha hoon na ki I was just not able to believe it! Isliye toh use dekh raha tha!” “Maa, ab main inke saath kahin nahi jar aha. Arre… meri bhi koi status, koi izzat hai ya nahi! Bhabhi ko bol do. Main inke saath kahin bhi nahi jaa raha! BAS!” “STOP!!! Agar tum dono ko baat karni hai toh kud baat karo na! Why are you guys bringing me in between?” Maa went out and with that the discussion ended. My curiosity remained to be on fire! Her eyes… they had so much to say!

I was excited to be there for wedding. Nah… not because I was meeting ‘the girl’; but because I was hoping to meet the ‘mystery girl’ and proving myself right! “Maa, apne bulaya?” “Haan! Meet Ms. Tammana Raheja.” She turned and I skipped a beat… ‘Tammana Raheja? Wow! What an identity, mystery girl!’ “Hi! Jai Raheja.” She recognized me and I knew a ‘Namaste’ was coming. “I’m sorry for the other day. I was confused and curious. Wait, aren’t you the same girl who performed on ‘Lucky Boy’ at ‘Hands on Meet’?” “Yes, I’m!” softly she said with a nod. “See… I told you Maa.” “Excuse me!” Maa made a weird face with an “are-u-a-kid?” kind of look and left. I had no clue what was she angry at!

I was happy that I was right but at the same time I had a new problem. I was sure I felt something different for her which was definitely not love but hello? I wouldn’t just say “I’m sorry” as I decided because whatever it may be, I wanted to know her more. We started walking, quietly. “I’m really sorry for the other day. I was dumbstruck to see a completely different side of you. My brother was terribly mad at me for my stupid behavior. Would you like to give it a new beginning?” I broke the ice. She turned and smiled. “Honest!” ‘Oh thanks god! She speaks!’ “Isn’t it too early to start judging? I mean we just met!” “Not exactly… we met when u were about to fall from the balcony, the other day.” She giggled. ‘Hello? Do you even know what are you asking her? You started judging the very moment you saw her… Please be anything but dumb.’ An inner voice yelled within me. She was looking amazing giggling, shy standing there in a peach sari and that very moment I knew I liked her.

To be continued…

First Love Always Remains Your Password!

“Papa, mujhe ice-cream chahiye chahiye chahiye!”

”Beta, Maa kuch kareed rahi hai na! Let her finish and then we will all go and have ice-cream”

“Papa please chalo na! It’s been more than an hour”

“Dekho Sangam kitni shaanti se baithi hai. Aap bhi thodi deir ruk jao.”

“Suniye, aap in dono ko ice-cream dilwa dijiye. It’s almost done here. I just need to pick one out of these two necklaces so technically you have helped me enough and now it’s time to help your kids,” I laughed.

He mimicked an angry look and took the children for the treat. He stopped at the door, looked back, smiled and whispered if I wanted any. I smiled back at him and whispered “No, Thank You!” I watched them laugh merrily; giggling till they were out of sight.

I looked back at the two necklaces lying there. Glittering, yelling “Take me…please take me.” I told them I loved them both equally but I was capable of owning only one of them. With great difficulty I ultimately chose one and wore it. Just for the last time… to make sure that it was worth it. Standing there in a bottle green sari with red borders, open hair, red bindi, sindoor… deep dark red… kajal… little smudged… I stared at myself… I stared at the necklace… admiring myself, adoring myself… completely lost… and then suddenly… I saw him. He was looking at me. I could hear my heart beat… louder and clearer… with my pulse rate increasing exponentially every second. I turned around. It was indeed him. HIM.

I froze. 10 years had passed and still every feeling, every memory, every pain was so fresh as if it had all happened yesterday. With all the flash backs, one after another, I couldn’t differentiate between the past and the present and found myself stuck, struggling, somewhere in the middle… everything jingling around, with no clue how to come out of the maze, I stood still. “Maa… Kya hua?” I looked down. My daughter was standing there holding my hand and looking at me innocently. I picked her up in my arms. “Aap ro kyun rahe ho,” she asked. I immediately wiped off the tear and told her that something went in there. “Bhaiya aur Papa kahan hai?” “Va…” She was about to take her brother’s name to refer to him but I covered her mouth. She quietly pointed. He turned too. I don’t know whom he wanted to see… my son or my husband? I saw them both... running. My husband was trying to catch my son and my son... he suddenly changed his direction towards me and bashed into HIM. I skipped a beat again. ‘Nooooo… It’s not happening! God, why are you doing this?’

Jai, my husband, came nearer and said “I’m sorry. Thoda shararti hai islye…” He smiled and said “That’s okay.” He sat on his knees, held my child with both hands and looked into his eyes… “Cute little boy. What’s your name?” “My name is Vatsya Kashyap”… “Hi, I’m Vatsya Nayak” and he held his hand out. My son unaware of the past, unaware of why they both have the same name shook his hand excited to meet someone who shared his name. Well, for everyone else it indeed was a coincidence. He stood up, shook hands with my husband as well, smiled and walked off. “Did you select that one?” he turned and asked me. Perplexed… “Yes! Indeed… Please close the deal. I have same work in the shop around the corner. Can u please come over there after the purchase? I am taking Sangam along.” “No, give her to me. It’s difficult to handle Vatsya without her. If she is near, he won’t run around as he just did! And what’s the hurry let’s finish it off here and then go there.” “No, I gotta go now!” “What has happened? Why you seem to be…? Weird!” “Nothing.” I turned around to leave.

“Mummy, main aapke saath chalunga,” I had hardly taken ten steps towards the door before Vatsya stopped me. I picked him up in my arms, “Aap daud kyun rahe the? Ye play ground nahi hai na beta? Dekho kitne saare log hai. I will take you with me only if you promise that you will never behave this way again. Dekho aapne papa ko itna pareshan kar diya na!” We together looked at the father and daughter sitting at the counter, looking back at us. “Promise” He kissed on my cheek and laughed. I rubbed my nose against his and laughed too. He was my baby… my boy. I raised him the way I wanted HIM to be.

While turning to leave, my eyes met his eyes again. He was standing there near the door looking at me. I don’t know if he heard the conversation between me and my son but indeed he now knew that I named my son after him. He smiled. I looked down and went away.

I couldn’t sleep that night. My mind was full of thoughts and I had no one to speak to. I had loved him so much… 10 years back. And after Jai came in my life I never thought of him. But was that actually true? That day’s meeting forced me to think, to realize… that after getting along with Jai, Vatsya was not a part of my world any more. He became a part of me; an inseparable part of me; a mysterious part of me which although existed, never showed up and I thought he was gone but he never actually did. Jai knew about my past… very well… but I had always told him “What’s there in a name? It would smell as sweet if it wasn’t named so!” because since the day I knew I was not his, I swore to make him a part of me. And I knew it was ‘a boy’ the first time, because I knew that I had loved him enough and God would indeed give me a chance to adore, to love, to care for my “Vatsya”. If it wasn’t so, they wouldn’t have shared the same birth date! With realizations surfacing every moment the ripples of thoughts were turning into turmoil…

I stared at my husband for a while. He looked so innocent just like Sangam... I realized how wrong I was to be rude to him earlier... and then after a while, I peeped at the Moon which as usual was smiling. I don’t know if it was mocking me or was guiding me... to be happy with what I had. In fact, I had everything a girl can ask for… a caring husband, two lovely children, great in-laws and a satisfactory job. I was very happy. However, the question that I know I will never be able to answer is, “Did I ever fall in love with Jai or did I merely live my dream with him?”

A memorable Moment

“What’s the hurry?” She asked and held my hand. She was still sitting there on the rusty old chairs in the waiting hall of Mumbai Airport. Her hand was soft. They didn’t give me any electric shocks as publicized in the reel life but they were indeed different. I loved her and she was aware of the fact very well. At the same time, she never felt for me and I was well aware of the fact too. Somewhere within I knew she had restrictions, goals and responsibilities and we not being together was good for both of us but still, I loved her… you see you can’t change the way you feel no matter how well aware you are about the situations, future and her denial… I turned. She is an epitome of innocence or rather, innocence is an epitome of Kangan Sharma, that’s what they named her.

I looked straight into her eyes… there is something in her eyes that mesmerizes me. With every clock’s tick, realizations started surfacing… there is something in her face that attracts me, there is something in her curls that makes me go crazy, there is definitely something in her that makes every bit of me feel so connected, so bonded to her! She wasn’t Miss Universe yet, if she would stand beside me as my better half, we would make just ‘the perfect couple’. Her hair was open and was swaying all over her face making me go awry-tawry. She shook me, out of my imaginations, back to the real world.

“What??? Boarding shuru ho gayi hi… look people are queued up. Chalo…” I said pointing towards a long queue of passengers, with ticket in their hands, lined in front of Gate 11 to board the same flight as ours, headed towards Delhi. “Toh kya tum itni lambi line mein khade hoge? Who bhi itne saare samaan lekar? Pagal ho kya? Moreover, they give a ‘Last Boarding’ call. If any registered passenger is still missing, they announce his/her name. Samjhe kuch?” She pulled my hand indicating to sit down. I know Kangan speaks a lot, a paragraph for a line, a line for a word and so on… but here, she was right, why was I hurrying? As I sat, she continued “I don’t understand what’s to hurry? What’s the point in being first? Jo mera hai who toh mera hi rahega na? (Here she meant the seat number) Race thode na hai”! She looked at me and involuntarily blinked her eyes.

I wondered away. It’s true that you never know when and what turns your life; changes your thinking and most importantly alters your state of mind like it just happened to me. Her one thought solved the messed up puzzle in my mind. ‘I was so worried since a week or two. Last year of engineering yet, I didn’t have an internship. I didn’t have a job either. I had worked so hard for past three years in order to become a successful Computer Engineer but I couldn’t even make it to be a perfect 10 pointer, leave aside rest of the things. I was so ashamed of my unsuccessful fate, was so ashamed that even though being one of the good students I couldn’t make to any company while others were through in a go; was so ashamed of being myself. I couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes because each pair of them had the same sarcastic statement “Vatsya Naman, you have an excellent technical knowledge”. I was running… simply running away. Why? That’s because I took it as a race. Always! Looking at other people in the queue of success going to board the same flight of life I was standing there too, waiting for my turn; not realizing the fact that if I had a ticket of economy class, I can never get a seat of business class no matter how hard I try, no matter where I stand, no matter if I was first or last. She taught me in a very simple way that life is a game in which you never lose. And the person who learns this discovers the treasure of happiness and satisfaction; i.e. peace of mind.’ I looked at her. ‘I did understand why, even though she wasn’t one of the toppers, was considered one of the best; why she never wanted her grade points 8.96 to be 9.00; why she was never ashamed of being un-successful. She was happy and satisfied. I loved her even more now. Innocent plus simple.’

I heard the last boarding announcement. She stood. So did I. I avoided looking into her eyes as she had just hit the most sensitive chord within me and I didn’t want any outburst of my emotions to spoil this day. We showed our tickets, came out of the door and hurried down the flight of stairs. The minute we stepped the last stair, the shuttle left. We two were the last passengers. I looked at her and she simply smiled. I saw she crossed her fingers but I couldn’t understand for what until I heard her mummer “God please pilot’s cab!” When I turned around I could see a blue cab coming from a distance. ‘Awww… It was an airhostess cab… still better and different than the rest!’ The crew man sent us in it which was luckily, at the same instance, speeding towards the same airbus…V.I.P treatment. She turned towards me, bent, whispered “Kyun? Ab bolo… mazza aaya na? Special treatment”, pushed me in beside the air hostess who smiled and wished us, and took the window seat. ‘Uske liye toh jaan bhi kurbaan hai…’ No sooner she lowered the window glass, cold chilly wind hit her face and her hair hit my face along with the wind. It smelled good. It felt good. Besides, the airhostess on the other side was HAAUUUGGGHHT! I had never enjoyed this much being last.