What's more difficult? To be a Bearer or to be an Observer?

“It’s matter of just an hour, Jai… Go… And look, you won’t be far away in case of emergency. Work comes first.” He looked at me… searching for re-assurance on every single cell of my face. He was very nervous. Has to be, it was our first time. First child. Not that I was all okay with it, but, some one had to be more practical than the other. He had a very important meeting to attend which got scheduled like 5 minutes ago where in Maa and Bhabhi were already out for household work leaving me solely under Jai’s surveillance. That’s what made him feel more responsible and guilty. He ultimately left.

It was a fine morning where sun was bright and happy and so was I. It was already 9 months and 4 days since I conceived and no sooner I would be it… ‘A Mother’. That felt good… at least it lessened the acute back pain which seemed to persist since forever. Days of morning sickness, severe mood swings and freaking cravings were almost over… what existed till date was pain… back pain, body pain… It was as if my soul ached. I also faced severe up and downs with Jai during these 9 months of my life. I knew he loved me and he cared about me more than he showed or spoke about but his in-numerous insecurities had made it difficult for a smooth sail. Things were now okay as he became more understanding with time… or probably that this whole pregnancy thing was on the verge of an end became his greatest assurance. No doubt, it made me come a lot closer to him; to know more about him and to appreciate much more of what he actually was during these 9 months more than what I could make out in past 2 years of our marriage. It’s true that guys never grow up and now, I could see that completely in Jai.

Thinking, analyzing, smiling… at a slow pace, I cleaned up the room. Not that it was dirty, but a bit here and a bit there made me feel really uncomfortable. I pulled out a fresh orange bed sheet from the drawer which bore Jasmine and Rose smell… thanks to the detergent used, earlier. The white flowers printed over it gave it a very elegant, pleasant look. I had almost made the bed when I realized that the water just broke. I sat on the corner of my bed in shock and panic. It took me some time to get hold of myself… I could feel the pain start… I gathered whatever I had left in me and picked up the phone kept by my bed side. I dialed the last call which I knew was Jai’s. “Hello… Are you Okay?” “…” Before I could answer that something came blasting right onto my nerves… on every nerve that I possessed in my body… and all I could do at that very moment was a scream full of pain… an unbearable life taking pain which changed its meaning in my dictionary the very same moment. The phone fell down and my hands were now questing for something to hold, to help me bear that atrocious ache. I lay there twitching, agonizing and waiting for a miracle to happen as I was incapable of doing anything… even thinking! After like a decade passed, I heard his voice and I knew I would survive!

“I will not let anything happen to you…” “I love you dear… be a little more patient and courageous…” “You can do this…” And his voice faded after a while… All my senses went numb… I could neither feel the touch nor could I see things… All I did was hear those faint helping voices and suffer the blessing. “It’s almost done…” “You are almost through…” “PUSH…” And IT ended. With a shrieking cry, the room filled with happiness and congratulations. My face was wet… tears or sweat… I had no clue… probably both. I didn’t dare to open my eyes… I was exhausted. No sooner, I fell asleep. It had been the most … day ever.

When I opened my eyes, it was completely dark. I was thirsty. Very thirsty. I stretched my hand to look for water. I knocked the flower vase which thankfully was made of steel, to the floor. A nurse came in smiling, as she switched on the lights. “So you are finally up…” She checked her clock. “Almost three hours!” “Where is my baby? Water.” She immediately poured me a glass of water. I drank three in a row. “Baby?” “In a minute…”

She took a good 10 minutes before she appeared again and she had my baby in her hand… carefully hold. The wait was long and my eyes were reluctant to blink till they had the pleasure to notice their presence. She came straight to me and carefully placed a little alive doll in my hand. I immediately folded my legs vertically for a support. I unwrapped the sapphire blanket that covered her. There she lay… tiny little hands and five extremely small fingers which, actually, did count five. Feet, toes, eyes, nose… everything seemed so unbelievably tiny yet so real. I swayed my finger right from her forehead across her cheek to her chin. She yawned and a tear fell from my eyes. ‘She is for real and all mine.’ Involuntarily I looked up to find him standing right at the door… ‘Tired, exhausted and messed up’… looking at me and crying… ‘Sorry … all OURS’

He wiped his tears off… ‘Male ego’… came closer and sat by my bed. He kept his hand on mine and kissed it. “Thank you!” faintly his lips moved… he was so drained out. I pulled his hand towards me. He got up and sat next to me with his left hand on my left shoulder and right still holding my right hand. I felt so secure and comfortable in his arms that I couldn’t stop tears from stating my feelings, conveying my thoughts and valuing his efforts, patience and tolerance. Words seemed to be galloped by silence… by my almost quite sobs. I know he understood it all for sure and that’s because he hugged me and kissed on my forehead and said “You took the hell out of me. Now that I know what losing you is to me, I can’t... or let’s just make it short… I love you.” Sinking my head shyly deep in his arms, I chuckled. "I love you too."