First Love Always Remains Your Password!

“Papa, mujhe ice-cream chahiye chahiye chahiye!”

”Beta, Maa kuch kareed rahi hai na! Let her finish and then we will all go and have ice-cream”

“Papa please chalo na! It’s been more than an hour”

“Dekho Sangam kitni shaanti se baithi hai. Aap bhi thodi deir ruk jao.”

“Suniye, aap in dono ko ice-cream dilwa dijiye. It’s almost done here. I just need to pick one out of these two necklaces so technically you have helped me enough and now it’s time to help your kids,” I laughed.

He mimicked an angry look and took the children for the treat. He stopped at the door, looked back, smiled and whispered if I wanted any. I smiled back at him and whispered “No, Thank You!” I watched them laugh merrily; giggling till they were out of sight.

I looked back at the two necklaces lying there. Glittering, yelling “Take me…please take me.” I told them I loved them both equally but I was capable of owning only one of them. With great difficulty I ultimately chose one and wore it. Just for the last time… to make sure that it was worth it. Standing there in a bottle green sari with red borders, open hair, red bindi, sindoor… deep dark red… kajal… little smudged… I stared at myself… I stared at the necklace… admiring myself, adoring myself… completely lost… and then suddenly… I saw him. He was looking at me. I could hear my heart beat… louder and clearer… with my pulse rate increasing exponentially every second. I turned around. It was indeed him. HIM.

I froze. 10 years had passed and still every feeling, every memory, every pain was so fresh as if it had all happened yesterday. With all the flash backs, one after another, I couldn’t differentiate between the past and the present and found myself stuck, struggling, somewhere in the middle… everything jingling around, with no clue how to come out of the maze, I stood still. “Maa… Kya hua?” I looked down. My daughter was standing there holding my hand and looking at me innocently. I picked her up in my arms. “Aap ro kyun rahe ho,” she asked. I immediately wiped off the tear and told her that something went in there. “Bhaiya aur Papa kahan hai?” “Va…” She was about to take her brother’s name to refer to him but I covered her mouth. She quietly pointed. He turned too. I don’t know whom he wanted to see… my son or my husband? I saw them both... running. My husband was trying to catch my son and my son... he suddenly changed his direction towards me and bashed into HIM. I skipped a beat again. ‘Nooooo… It’s not happening! God, why are you doing this?’

Jai, my husband, came nearer and said “I’m sorry. Thoda shararti hai islye…” He smiled and said “That’s okay.” He sat on his knees, held my child with both hands and looked into his eyes… “Cute little boy. What’s your name?” “My name is Vatsya Kashyap”… “Hi, I’m Vatsya Nayak” and he held his hand out. My son unaware of the past, unaware of why they both have the same name shook his hand excited to meet someone who shared his name. Well, for everyone else it indeed was a coincidence. He stood up, shook hands with my husband as well, smiled and walked off. “Did you select that one?” he turned and asked me. Perplexed… “Yes! Indeed… Please close the deal. I have same work in the shop around the corner. Can u please come over there after the purchase? I am taking Sangam along.” “No, give her to me. It’s difficult to handle Vatsya without her. If she is near, he won’t run around as he just did! And what’s the hurry let’s finish it off here and then go there.” “No, I gotta go now!” “What has happened? Why you seem to be…? Weird!” “Nothing.” I turned around to leave.

“Mummy, main aapke saath chalunga,” I had hardly taken ten steps towards the door before Vatsya stopped me. I picked him up in my arms, “Aap daud kyun rahe the? Ye play ground nahi hai na beta? Dekho kitne saare log hai. I will take you with me only if you promise that you will never behave this way again. Dekho aapne papa ko itna pareshan kar diya na!” We together looked at the father and daughter sitting at the counter, looking back at us. “Promise” He kissed on my cheek and laughed. I rubbed my nose against his and laughed too. He was my baby… my boy. I raised him the way I wanted HIM to be.

While turning to leave, my eyes met his eyes again. He was standing there near the door looking at me. I don’t know if he heard the conversation between me and my son but indeed he now knew that I named my son after him. He smiled. I looked down and went away.

I couldn’t sleep that night. My mind was full of thoughts and I had no one to speak to. I had loved him so much… 10 years back. And after Jai came in my life I never thought of him. But was that actually true? That day’s meeting forced me to think, to realize… that after getting along with Jai, Vatsya was not a part of my world any more. He became a part of me; an inseparable part of me; a mysterious part of me which although existed, never showed up and I thought he was gone but he never actually did. Jai knew about my past… very well… but I had always told him “What’s there in a name? It would smell as sweet if it wasn’t named so!” because since the day I knew I was not his, I swore to make him a part of me. And I knew it was ‘a boy’ the first time, because I knew that I had loved him enough and God would indeed give me a chance to adore, to love, to care for my “Vatsya”. If it wasn’t so, they wouldn’t have shared the same birth date! With realizations surfacing every moment the ripples of thoughts were turning into turmoil…

I stared at my husband for a while. He looked so innocent just like Sangam... I realized how wrong I was to be rude to him earlier... and then after a while, I peeped at the Moon which as usual was smiling. I don’t know if it was mocking me or was guiding me... to be happy with what I had. In fact, I had everything a girl can ask for… a caring husband, two lovely children, great in-laws and a satisfactory job. I was very happy. However, the question that I know I will never be able to answer is, “Did I ever fall in love with Jai or did I merely live my dream with him?”