Realization...

“One of the most lovely and cherished moments of your life is the one; you lived with someone for whom you always longed for your entire life…”

Recalling, I laid there on my bed with a mug of coffee…appreciating the warmth of the cup, I gazed out of the grilled window. It was drizzling outside and a soft, low beat music was playing in the room. The surrounding was filled with the fragrance of the wet sand. Finally this drought place was gifted with water, will the scarceness of my life ever find this gift?

Pondering, I pulled over one more blanket… it was getting cold outside… I looked at the deserted street covered by the dried leaves on either side…the nature seemed to be happily smiling back at me… it was then when I noticed the song played on the radio… “Tere bina (Dam maro)” from the film “Guru”… Instantaneously I jumped out of the bed and ran towards the open window I was gazing before… whenever this song reached my ear drums, my eyes got the pleasure of his appearance… to see the only man in my life… the man whom I loved and hated in equal measures…

Half expecting to see him and half expecting, my expectations to be broken I stood there, still, with my heart beats growing exponentially and my eyes twitching in every direction… to find him… to have a glimpse of him… him… the man for whom I wasn’t anything more than a piece of crap… I knew I wasn’t in his life but he was in mine…and even then… he was still there in my memories… which I had recently realized wasn’t worthy to be called a remarkable moment for him, leave aside calling it a memory…

‘It’s going to be two years… Where was I wrong? Call me innocent or dumb… it’s the same as at the end of the day these are the only kinds of people who can be used and thrown without threat’ I thought as the song was about to end… He was no where in sight... I turned in despair and walked back towards the cozy bed… On the last beat of the song, I looked at the window again, with a ray of hope in my heart as I loved him more than I loved myself… And there he was… I saw him crossing past the window… I ran towards the edge to look at him… He was running… he wasn’t carrying an umbrella…

Tears fell out of my eyes as the amount of happiness I got was more than I expected… I thanked god and wished it to always happen this way… I came back and sat on my bed… preoccupied… suddenly, my eyes met its reflection in the mirror hanging in front… ‘For how long am I going to be like this? He is in love with someone else for past 6 years… kind of childhood love… where do you stand?’ ‘No where’ reply came out from within… ‘He was just with you because he wasn’t with her! When are you going to accept this truth?’… ‘Accepted’… ‘If you accept … realize it… let this sink it within you… let every part, every nerve of your body to realize that he is not yours…’… And it went on... I stared into the eyes that stared me from the mirror which asked the last question… the only question that was left unanswered… ‘Do you actually love him or you are just trying to make your imaginations come true… are you trying to make him your dream man or you actually dream about this man? He might just resemble your prince but it might not be him...’…

‘Somebody is me’ by ‘Enrique’ was the next song that caught my consciousness for that was the song I wanted to dedicate him after the song ‘My heart will go on’ from the movie ‘Titanic’… Every word of that song seemed so close to reality… as if the song was actually made for me to dedicate it to him… I exploded… I wanted to talk to him… I wanted to get answers to all my questions… All the more I wanted to overcome my own questions… I couldn’t lie to my self…

I realized, to pour in my thoughts into someone was getting necessary… I wanted everything to be out of me… I was dieing but didn’t now whom to trust… Instead of trusting a person I chose white papers kept on the table… I took out the most precious pen I had preserved… the parker ‘ink’ pen I got from my parents when I first started writing with a pen… I hardly used it and I couldn’t have got a better opportunity for the same… I wrote endlessly till my hands ached…

I wrote everything… everything that caused the cyclone in my mind… confessed things which I couldn’t have accepted to anyone… Every explanation I want to give… every question I wanted to be answered… I wrote till I felt free… Very many points got cleared and very many were still left but I was liberated from thinking, analyzing anything anymore… before I could write the last line the ink got over… Lazily, instead of refilling the ink I bent and picked up the ball pen lying there on the bed side table… Last line…

“I found something really good in that guy but he, at every point, made me realize I was wrong… Even after being nagged about me loving a person like him, I cared for him… prayed for him… worshiped him… just to listen that he spent worst moments of his life with me… I can still see the pain, the innocence in his dreamy yet beautiful eyes like I used to sense the first few times I saw him… but I just can’t forget the hatred, ignorance and irritation I saw in the same eyes, for me… loving for a moment and rude for days… sensitive for a day and insensitive for months… I tried a hell lot to understand him… his reactions, his feelings… to decide which one is true? The one day man I love or the all day disguised creature I hate. After looking into each and every pros and corns I conclude that I can’t stand his ignorance and vulnerability anymore… there is a limit of everything beyond which nothing can be accepted… I had enough of him… I just wanna tell him that I can and I will walk the streets alone…

Tamanna”

As I pinned the papers, someone banged the door hard… I kept the papers on the table and rushed towards the door. As soon as I unlatched the door, it swung open and a strong wind blew over my face into my room and carried the papers on my table outside the window in the rain on the street… My heart skipped a beat for a lot was written on it to be read by anyone… anyone…

I ran out… toppling through the stairs I reached the streets outside… Ran towards the part of the street that is just outside my room’s window… And stopped… went numb… the papers were in his hand… He looked at me… into my eyes… I couldn’t read them… It wasn’t drizzling… it was raining… A sudden wave of emotion entangled me and I wasn’t able to respond to the situation… I turned and left… Half broken and half still expecting his call from behind… But every time expectations needn’t come true… I reached my room… Shut the door… I wanted to cry but I was still cold… A cool breeze blew which made me realize I was completely wet… I slowly changed… I was drying my hairs when someone knocked… I opened the door… “Hey… Someone down there gave this for you”… I looked at her astonished… she handed me the papers and left… Partially scared I looked at the papers… Tears fell out in relief… the papers were the same which I left in his hand but the writings were gone… washed away in the blessing of the rain… I turned the pages to find the only thing left written was the last line which was written in ball pen…Involuntarily I put the sheets upside down… I saw something more written there… in pencil… clearly visible… something in his handwriting…

“Everything happens for a reason… you have seen that part of me which someone might take years to see… You are not my love as you consider me to be yours but you mean to me more than just a friend… you were and you still are special to me… a special friend… I don’t want you to walk the streets alone but I won’t be able to walk it along with you…I am bound…

Ishan"

I spontaneously turned to stare the same eyes in the mirror… the ones whose one question was still unanswered… with an answer… “This is the man I dream about… this is the man I love…”

Nimisha Viraj

18th March 2008