Armaan ya Swabhimaan?

“Tamanna, tum..” I was staring at the moon when bhabhi quietly entered the room.

“Arre bhabhi aap?” I turned around.

The room was dim lit; only the rays of moon pouring in through the window I stood at, right across the door. Even then, she looked adorable in her gaudy yellow-orange saree which bhaiya bought for her on the occasion of Karwa Chauth. Salute to his taste... after all bhabhi too was an example of the same. Usually, the sound of her payal greets her arrival but today; I was too lost to be alert of the surrounding. Before she could say anything, I enquired “Pooja ho gayi?”

“Haan, kar li. Sab neeche khana kha rahe hai. Maa keh rahi hai tum bhi pooja kar lo.”

“Bhabhi… wo zaroor aayenge.”

“Tamanna… Tumhari tabiyat kharab ho jayegi. Mujhe bhi yakin hai Jai aayega. But…”

Someone was at the door. We both looked with hope as Bhaiya entered and along with sneaked in the cheerful chatter and laughter of the people gathered to celebrate the festival.

“Main office ja raha hoon usko lene. Tum khana kha lena.”  He told Bhabhi.

“Ji accha”

“Bhaiya…” he turned around and looked at me.

I could see the sternness in his expression which rarely surfaced. I chose to keep mum and he understood. He left.

I felt miserable. I wanted to cry. Earlier that day,

“Jai, aap aaj zaroor aa jaiyega at the max by 9 tonight. Aaj Karwa Chauth hai. Saari raat ke liye chaand nahi nikalta. Aaj ke din aap hi ke diye hue kapde aur shringar mein pooja karni hai isliye please please please sab cheez saath lekar bas aaj kisi bhi tarah time par aa jaiyega. Please.”

“Haan baccha. Pakka se.”

And he kissed my forehead and left for office. I was there downstairs for the celebration few hours back… dancing and singing… applying mehandi of his name on my hands but as the time passed by; it became difficult for me to face the only question that every single person enquired which I didn’t want to answer…

“Why aren’t you ready? Your husband must be here any minute!”

He was to come with everything! With every tick my hope was dying… my trust, my feelings and I were being crushed in the unbearable pressure of this endless wait. Clock showed 10.13. Not that this was the first time he was not on time, but today it was not just me waiting. It was my dignity, my faith and my right as a wife at stake.

I knew Jai truly deeply loved me but every thing else suggested I didn’t make a difference. I knew I did make a difference but every thing else suggested he didn’t love me enough to make an effort to fill the gap. I knew he does make an effort but every thing else suggested the difference I made wasn’t important enough to be prioritized. I knew I was prior enough but every thing else suggested… Arrghh! Every time this conversation kicks off in my head, it remains unconcluded. I could just never find out what was that utterly most important missing thing or probably there was nothing missing at all, it was just the circumstances! But is it always circumstances? Could be. Why me?! And the firing back-firing goes on and on and on. I couldn’t control myself and tears rolled down my cheeks.

“Tamanna… Shhhh…”

Door burst open. Lights were switched on.

“Jai. Kahan the tum? Phone switched off kyun hai??”

Bhabhi walked towards the door, stopped him midway and enquired furiously. My eyes went down. I didn’t want him to know I was crying. He threw his briefcase on the sofa. He was looking at me.

“Saara samaan kahan hai?”

He turned towards bhabhi and said “Bhabhi, ek sec.”

Then he looked back at me. I understood he had nothing with him. I couldn’t stop myself. Tears fell down and they were quietly wiped off.

Right then, “Aradhna, Tamanna ko yeh lehnga aur yeh gahne pahna do aur jaldi se upar le aao. Saare naye hai. Main thaal saja ke upar rakh rahi hoon pooja ke liye.” Maa bashed in and immediately walked out.

He too left. I wiped my tears and without a word of argument or disagreement I let bhabhi dress me up as per her will. She did a good job, I looked pretty. She smiled at me, fixed the chunnari on my head and whispered “God bless you!”

Right then Diva came in. She was panting. “Jai bhaiya kahin mil nahi rahe. Aap logon ko bata kar gaye hai kya? Maa kab se khoj rahi hai.”

Bhabhi was astonished. “KYA? Yeh ladka na aaj mujhse dant khayega. Phone kiya kya usko?”

“Switched off.”

They walked out leaving me alone.

It was quite again. I slowly walked across the room towards the window. I gazed the moon again. It was long before I could brief it in a question… Armaan ya swabhimaan? Someone walked in. I turned. He looked right into my eyes. As soon as mine decided to go down he uttered “I am sorry!” I looked back into his eyes and I knew they were not lying. He held out a simple red saree with all the other things in a small wooden basket, I listed him that morning. No sooner I held them; he walked out of the room pausing at the door saying “I am waiting upstairs.” I was numb. Clock showed 11.07. I wondered where he managed everything from!

I dressed up from the purple pink lehnga to the elegant golden bordered red saree, from latest trend golden jewelry to silver tops and anklet, from decorated bindi to a simple round red bindi, from heavy bangles to plain red glass bangles… And the change was impeccable. I was looking stunning! I felt content.

As soon as I was about to leave, bhabhi walked in and said “Tamanna jaldi chalo. Us pagal ne bhi subah se kuch nahi khaya hai. Bahut daant lagi hai uski. Yaad tha usko ki aaj karwa chauth hai bas saaman ke bare mein bhool gaya tha. Meeting, work, client etc etc. Pata nahi kab sudhrega. Yeh bhi wapis aa gaye hai. Jaldi se upar jao aur pooja karke neeche aa jao hum sab saath khaana khayenge. Main khana paros rahi hoon.”

Tears rolled of my eyes but this time there was a difference. I was proved I was loved and cared for. My faith, my dignity and my right as a wife remained intact. They probably came out of happiness.

I rushed upstairs. He was standing there waiting for me on the terrace… exhausted. I adored him from a distance till he finally looked up at the door. Our eyes met once again. He wanted to say something. Before he could, I ran and hugged him with my soul and heart. He was assured I was not angry, just hurt. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and whispered “I love you.”

“I love you too, three, four :)!”

We chuckled.

“Toh phir chalo jaldi se pooja karke paani pee lo…”